Gotta go! Gotta go! Gogogogogogogogo!
Everywhere leads nowhere in this place, and I knew it! I said it would be like the song, and it is like the song. Does anybody listen to Johnny? NOPE! Why would they do that? I’m only always right, ever! Does anybody wonder why the guy who was chained to the ground for fifteen years might not like being locked up anywhere? NOPE! It’s all “Lets very slowly explore this horrible labyrinth, Johnny.” And “Oh look, there’s gateway into pure chaos, Johnny.” And “Joel betrayed us, Johnny.”
Okay, well that last one was legit. Well, I dunno, you know? Okay, so let’s back up a bit. First, we were up in the bell tower, and someone; Not sure who it was? It was probably me. Anyway, we figured out the bell chiming thingy after a lot of standing around staring at each other blankly. So we, got the water running, and became masters of the place. Except not really, because we have to spend craptastic life essence to exert any control over anything in this hole, and I’m like “give me control of the door so I can bounce up out this bitch!” and everybody’s all caught up about what amenities we’d like our deathtrap to have. Ugh.
So Tony has Dil and I go check the bungalows out back while he goes to have a heart to heart with Joel. Except we can totally hear him yelling all the way downstairs, and I bet if we were there we’d see the tapestries wafting about.
Anyway, me and Dil head out back. There’s a couple of bungalows that were locked before, so we go and check them out. First one is a pretty normal beach along the Cali coast. Yup, nothing to see there. Second one had a couple of Others frozen at their moment of death. So we’re all standing there like “Dude, that’s weird” and then a fucking SEVERED HEAD starts talking. And I’m like WOO-POW! JUMP-KICK, BITCH! And the thing KEEPS talking. Dude, I, like this is a bit much for me, and I’ve seen some crazy shit. So Severed Head starts spilling his guts about how he was with the last motley of Changelings that ran this place, but he betrayed them because one of the True Fae had him by the heartstrings or whatever. BORING! Don’t care, can’t trust him.
I turn around to see that Dil had closed the gate to pure chaos, and instead opened the one that should lead back to the world, and I bolt. I’m gone like “Sayonara, suckers!” Of course, that didn’t work, the path just magically curved around back to the hotel. Whatever, man. That’s when Tony appeared and told us Joel wanted to talk to us. We filled him in about the gates, and the Betrayal Head, and went up to talk to Joel.
Joel told us he was the one who had taken the sacrificial vampire on behalf of his long lost wife, now also a vampire, and that the sacrifice was her child, yet not a baby (Still confused?). In other words, it’s his fault that the lurkers shuffled us off to the Hedge, and that we find ourselves in the predicament that we’re currently in.
I get the sense that Tony wanted us to rip him a new one. The thing is, though, Tony had already done that, so it would only have diminishing returns. Also, I kinda feel bad for the guy. He went out on a limb for somebody he loved, who is now an inhuman monster and for all we know put the whammy on him –and it fully bit him in the ass. I’m a little worried about SBM executing us, but I’d rather that than be locked up in here a moment longer. Also, I’m glad it wasn’t me, cause let’s be honest; everyone thought it would be.
Next the game plan was to open up all the doors and let them air out. According the Betrayal Head, that’s the only way we could leave, and airing out the rooms will restore them to their natural form if there’s any Hedge-wackiness going on. So we open a bunch, and we keep seeing this padded-room, mental hospital theme pop up. Weird, but whatever. That shit’ll clear up in a day, right? Then we open this one room where, this freaking Barbie-Doll valley girl is asleep, and we wake her up only to be hit with this aura of desire like none of us have ever felt before. So I go and run to the far end of the Hotel, cause FUCK-THAT-SHIT, I ain’t going back to the dream. You can kiss my fiery ass! I’ll cut it off if I have to! I mean, this chick’s juju was so strong that Tony was about to leave with her before Dil tackled the sense back into him.
Catastrophe averted, we went back to opening room doors, and eventually came across a door with this giant thuggy mook standing here, mouth breathing. Dude was holding a make-shift cudgel, and had an old bird cage around his head. He doesn’t respond to anything, but Betrayal Head had told us that if we tell guests it’s time to leave, that they’ll be compelled to do so. So I tell him its checkout time, and we leave him alone.
With all that out of the way, we go to get some rest, and EVERYBODY GETS KIDNAPPED OH MY GOD! Seriously, dudes? Seriously? Johnny has to be the reliable one? Are you guys even trying?
Okay, so I head to the room where the mook was, and I find that the hotel is starting to be converted into mental asylum, which I totally didn’t get at the time. I was like “You can’t do that, it’s against the rules! Stop being a dick!” but it’s because Tony had the key on him when he was taken. So, I try sneaking into the room, but this True Fae comes bursting out of the bathroom like “Yo, I’m fugly as crap!” and I go to stab him in the eye, but he warns me that doing so would violate hospitality. To which I inform him that he already did when his thug kidnapped my motley. But he’s all “No, I didn’t do that, the mook did. I’m not accountable for his actions.” Then he lets me know that his guy might already have the key, and then he’d be in charge. So I leave the guy, mid-rant, to go look for Mookey McGee.
Which I don’t get at all. If he really wanted to take control, wouldn’t he let me attack him and then kill me? Why warn me of all this shit? Anyway, I find the guy, catch him mid stride, and stab him in the kidney and neck. Which he fucking LIVES! Bro, for real? He clobbers the crap out of me. Luckily, Tony broke free of wherever he was just in time and distracted the guy enough so I could finish the job. We got Joel free, and then, key in hand, told the gross asylum fae it was checkout time.
With the last guest gone we could already see his freaky asylum magic fading from the hotel. A quick check of the former asylum rooms found Dil tied up and unconscious in one of them. Job’s done and time to go, right? RIGHT? No. Of course not.
So, we finish airing out all the rooms. Then we find out we need to clean the place too. We decide as a group to invest some of our precious life essence into the place to make that a little easier, and next thing you know we have magical robot butlers showing up to buttle the place spic ‘n span. Also, after a lengthy debate, for which I was mostly a sleep, we decided to turn on our vacancy sign. Which was probably not a moment too soon, because the very next day Susan shows up, looking like she’d just marched through the tundra, holding a baby. Ayup. That’s a thing.